Navigating the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
